Redhead Hysteria
by Redhead Turk
Summary: Reno has a hystery attack after he visits a certain fanfiction site. Why is that? How will his coworkers react? Complete silliness. Some sexual contents and expletives. Oneshot. R&R!


I was so sick and tired of thinking about Reno from a serious viewpoint… I needed a laugh. Well, here it is.

Redhead Hysteria

Reno was pissed off. Not the usual I'm-Reno-and-therefore-as-a-Turk-I'm-supposed-to-be-pissed-off-and-so-that's-what-I-do pissed off. He was REALLY pissed off, so pissed off that he didn't exactly know what he was doing. An innocent bystander would have observed that Reno was being crazy as usual, since he was muttering to himself that occasionally grew into shouts and was clicking random places on the screen while humming the Turks tune and smoking all at once, all the while drinking a mixture of coffee and coke. Elena tried to figure out how on earth he managed to multitask like that, but seeing Reno and his even-more-than-usual insaneness, she slowly backed away. Which was a smart choice.

Rude, unfortunately, had no idea about his redheaded partner's mental stability. He had just returned from the patrol, bored and not willing to return to the desk. Before that, he had to ask Reno about the afternoon patrol, whether he was going to go or not. Better do it now than later. He approached the desk without trepidation, unaware of Elena trembling violently and shaking her head and waving her arms in the air. "Reno?"

"…Ican'tbelievethispeanutbutterSephirothwhymeandRudearrrrgh!" Reno screamed. Rude was smart enough to hop back a few feet. He didn't say anything; after all, his stoicism was his trademark and he didn't care to destroy _that_ cool image now. But he wanted to watch Reno. Oh yes. His craziness was veeeery interesting. So he pulled up a chair and sat down.

Unfortunately, Reno didn't just fume to himself. He decided to fume to his partner, now that he had an audience. "LOOK AT THIS!" Reno shouted, loud enough that Rufus wondered what the redhead was up to again, seven floors below. "JUST FUCKIN' LOOK AT THIS!"

Rude peered at the screen. The page was just an ordinary page, labeled "Fanfiction dot com – Set Loose Your Imagination!". He looked at the page. The character was set to 'Reno' – of course – and the fiction rating was 'all'. It was under a category titled "Final Fantasy VII".

"Ur," Rude said, which Reno translated as "I don't know what the hell you're pissed off about".

"WHY THE HELL AM I FUCKING WITH EVERY MALE CONCEIVABLE?!" Reno was screaming now. "Yeah! ME! The sex god! With GUYS! I'm NOT GAY! By Shiva I HATE GUYS! JUST BECAUSE THEY ALL HAVE PRETTY HAIR AND PRETTY EYES AND NICE SKIN AND GREAT BODIES DOESN'T MEAN…"

Rude poked him, not really wanting to know. Reno, however, did not care for Rude's sentiments.

"FIRST OF ALL," Reno fumed, "Why am I hooked up with that silver-haired moron? HUH? HUH!!!"

"Which one…?" Elena was thoughtless enough to ask. This caused more shoutings.

"ALL OF THEM!" Reno screamed at the top of his voice. "ALL OF THEM! INCLUDING THE BIG ONE! I'M HAVING A FIVESOME IN THIS ONE!" He pointed at a title. "That's SICK! That's JUST SICK!"

"Reno, calm down."

"NOT ONLY THAT, I'M ALSO SCREWING AROUND WITH CHOCOBO HEAD! Chocobo Head isn't even a guy! He doesn't have enough guts to be a guy!"

"Then what is he…?"

"Some weird piece of shit, that's what!" Reno glared at Elena. "You know who else I'm supposed to be sleeping with?"

"Think of a happy place, think of a happy place…" Rude was simpering, hands over his ears and looking down.

"I'M SLEEPING WITH THE VAMPIRE! HE FUCKING BITES ME!"

"Reno, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"I SLEPT WITH THE RED DOG, JUST BECAUSE MY HAIR'S RED!"

Rufus, who was getting tired of the commotion, came down to the Turks' floor, and was just in time to hear the last sentence. Of course, not knowing the entire conversation, he took it in the most wrong way possible. He had also opened the door as Reno blurted out that sentence. Rufus was now getting disgusted. Just because Reno's tastes went to peculiar stuff didn't mean he had to _share_ it with the entire building.

Seeing Elena backed up against the wall, Reno howling, Rude in a chair looking down, rocking back and forth with hands over the ears, Rufus crossed his arms, shaking his head with "I'm disgusted with this whole thing" expression on his face. "Reno…"

"YOU! YOU!" Reno pointed an accusatory finger at the president. "YOU USED ME AS A SEX TOY, YOU FUCKING SICKO! YOU RAPED ME!"

"What?" Rufus had no such recollection. In fact, he was in no way attracted to Reno, as a friend or otherwise. Certainly not this way.

"Do I want to know?" he asked the more trustworthy Turks. Elena shook her blonde head.

"No sir."

"Just keep his voice down." Rufus, now thoroughly disturbed, shut the door with a loud SLAM and returned to his office.

Unfortunately, Reno was still shouting.

"I'M ALWAYS SLEEPING WITH RUDE! THAT'S JUST SICK! FUCKING GROSS!"

"What did I just hear…?" Rude looked up at Elena, looking frightened.

"You really don't want to know."

"TSENG HAD A THREESOME WITH ME AND RUFUS!"

"RENO! SHUT UP!"

"ELENA GOT PREGNANT WITH MY KID!"

That was enough. To be subjugated to torture like this was bad enough, but being tagged as "undesirable", even by such likes of Reno, was more than bearable for Elena. With a feral shriek, she grabbed hold of Reno's EMR and proceeded to apply it, full voltage, to Reno's privates.

Tseng, who had been oblivious to the commotion, came out of his office to get more coffee. Seeing Elena and Reno on the floor with Rude just staring, he nodded to the bald-headed Turk. "I see that they're practicing," Tseng said calmly. "Nice work."


End file.
